Dr. Ron Rice
Licensed Psychologist
Over 25 years of experience
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Fighting Fair In Marriage
You are trying to in many cases, particularly if you are a law student, to back your opponent into a corner and destroy his argument point by point. Any law student that tries that with his wife might really succeed many times in backing her into a corner and winning his argument, but he is also very likely to lose his wife. So, a fair fight in marriage is different than a fair fight out in the world of business or another setting. The only purpose of a fight or argument between two intimate and loving partners is for each to become as clear as possible about each others' needs for a change in his or her role and clear about the feelings of the partner. It is the only purpose, really. Therefore, it is important to fight only when it is very clear what you are fighting about. You have thought about it. You have decided that the issue is this one thing. Here we come to the first rule of fair fighting. Ask permission of your partner. Is this a good time for you? Or, do you have something on your mind that is bothering you very much? If we try to discuss this now, will you be distracted by whatever it is? Don't fight, for example, in certain places. Don't fight in bed at night for one thing, you can't see your partner's face, so you are missing a lot of nonverbal communication of feelings which are important. Another thing is that you are both probably tired when you go to bed at night. Another good rule is never to fight in a car. That's a very dangerous place to fight unless you are parked in your own driveway or in front of your own house or apartment and don't intend to start the car again. There are a number of fair fighting rules for intimate partners which are particularly applicable in the marital situation. Because you are intimate partners, you know much more about each other's vulnerabilities, about areas you are particularly sensitive about than other people would know. You might know, for example, that your partner may be very sensitive about something about his or her appearance. Some physical features his ears, her legs, he's too fat or too skinny; she's too fat or too skinny. Many of us are vulnerable to criticism of our families. We love them and need to be loyal to them but at the same time we are aware of their defects. We are painfully aware of some of their deficiencies and, ironically, although it is okay to say something critical about our own families to our mate, it is not all right for our mate to say something critical about them. So, one rule is, areas of sensitivity should be avoided in arguments and discussions. Be specific when you introduce a complaint. Don't just complain, however. Ask for a specific reasonable change that will remove the complaint. You can't demand it but you can communicate your need to ask for it. Then, as I said earlier, wait for a response from your partner. That response should tell you that your partner really heard what you are saying. Heard specifically what you are asking for, not a big generalization. For example, if you should ask your partner, "I would like you to improve the way you treat me when we are out with other people." That's much too general a request. It is better to say, "I need you not to desert me the minute we get to a party and not see me again all evening." "I need you not to put me down in front of other people, or to gloat if I make a mistake." Or, "I need you not to interrupt me when I am telling a story." These are very specific things. But, if your partner answers in a way that indicates that he or she does not understand specifically what you are asking for, or if your partner answers with a counter attack, "Yeah, well I need you to do so and so, about such and such." Go back to the original question and say, "Wait, evidently I did not really communicate to you clearly what I was wanting from you. Just this one thing, let's get that settled first. Then, I will listen to something that you need from me." Confine yourself always to just one issue at a time. Don't overload your partner with a whole bunch of complaints. If you do if you stack up complaints and then unload them all at once on your partner, it may suggest that you have been saving them up as ammunition to attack with. Loving partners don't do that. Avoid being glib and intolerant. Sarcasm is dirty fighting. Be open to hearing your partner's feelings and do not tell your partner he or she is not feeling that or should not feel that. This is one of the most important rules: DO NOT TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT HE OR SHE IS FEELING. Let them tell you. Don't assume what they are feeling and do not tell them that they should not feel that way. They are entitled to their feelings, whatever they are. There are no shoulds. Nor, do their feelings have to be justified on a logical basis. If a partner says, "I feel angry about this." Don't reply, "You shouldn't feel angry about something so trivial." If they feel angry, they feel angry. Another important rule is, NEVER PUT LABELS ON A PARTNER. Don't call him or her lazy, inconsiderate, unloving, selfish. You have other labels, perhaps that were pinned on you at times by other people while you were growing up. One way to avoid labeling someone is start statement with "I feel "instead of "You " Don't bring up the past. Stay with the here and now. There's no way that changes can be retroactive. So, deal with what's happening now and give your partner a chance to change present behavior. So deal with what's happening NOW and give your partner a chance to change present behavior.
Remember, there is no such thing as a winner and a loser in an argument between intimate partners. If you win, the relationship may lose. Compromise is the heart of marital fighting. The willingness to compromise is at the core of resolution of a problem. It's important that you fight as equals. If one of you does the talking and the other the listening, it is not an equal fight. If you fight without respect for your partner's thoughts and feelings, it is not an equal fight. Fair fighting can be a great enhancer of intimacy between marital partners, when they do, indeed fight fair. If you would like to talk to a Psychologist about difficulties that you and your partner have in observing the rules of fair fighting and resolving conflicts or complaints between you in a way that leaves you feeling more intimate, rather than hurt and frustrated, contact me. I will be glad to help.
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Fair Fighting in marriage is different than the argument or the fight that you might have with a colleague in the world of business or the classmate in the classroom or a professor. In those cases, you are trying to show that you are an adequate competitor.
I suggest, too, that before you speak, to take time to consult your real thoughts and feelings. If you are consistently angry about one little thing, such as your partner's taste in music or taste in food, or liking for sports, I would suggest that one little thing is not the real issue and that you are really angry about something else. Something much bigger, and you should take time to think about what it REALLY IS.