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Characteristics of a Good Marriage
 There
are literally thousands of books, tapes, CDs, and DVDs on how have a good marriage.
Many of these materials are written from an academic perspective. The following
information is based on 25 years of experience working with hundreds of couples
as well as insights I have obtained from exploring my own marriage. The items listed
below are not exhaustive. I suppose the list could go on and on. However I believe
the characteristics I have chosen to focus on are some of the
most important.
- Active Listening – Before any problems
of marriage can be solved it is obvious that spouses need to communicate their
concerns, frustrations, anger, hurt, etc. The problem is that most couples in
a difficult marriage do know how to listen to each other. Listening in the sense
that I am describing is an active process. Hearing is different from listening.
Hearing has to do with the integrity of our hearing acuity. In other words,
hearing has to do with whether in fact we can hear a word or group of words
using our ears. We of course can often hear without listening. Many individuals
claim that they are listening to their spouse when in fact they are waiting
for the opportunity to defend themselves or tell the other how wrong they are
in their feelings. In active listening, we try hard to really understand what
the other person is saying and "keep our mouths shut." In active listening we
not only pay attention to what the other is trying to communicate but also the
body language, manner of speaking, hidden emotional content, etc. Reflecting
on what your spouse states is a good way to make sure that the communication
has been received accurately. For example, one might say to their spouse, "I
feel so hurt when…" The other person could say, "Could you tell me more about
what you mean by hurt?" In active listening we have made a conscious decision
to really try to understand our spouse's concerns about the marriage. We value
what they say as a significant source of growth in the marriage. Listening in
marriage is often new skill for most individuals locked into a strained marriage.
Since it is a new skill, one has to learn as many aspects of this behavior and
then practice, practice, practice…
- Getting rid of marital myths – a myth
is simply a false belief system or a thought that is not based in reality. For
example it is a myth to believe that our spouse can be everything we would ever
want in a man or a woman. It is a myth to believe that the only way our marriage
can get better is if he or she changes. There are so many myths in marriage.
To have more constructive, meaningful, and satisfying marriage, couples need
to explore their respective myths.
- Valuing Differences – In really good
marriages, individuals value their differences as opposed to seeing them in
negative or critical terms.
- Adult Marriage – To have a fulfilling
marriage, couples need to strive toward having Adult-Adult communication and
Problem Solving. There are other styles of marriage such Parent-Child Marriage
and Child-Child marriage. Marital counseling is a great way of exploring these
types of marriage and learning ways to have a truly Adult-Adult marriage.
- Balance between "I"ness and "We"ness
– "I"ness is the sense that each individual in a marriage has a right to pursue
their own activities, dreams, and interests by themselves without feeling guilty.
An individual in a marriage might say something like; I think I am going to
play tennis Friday night. In an adult marriage, individuals do not say things
like, "is it ok with you if I play tennis?" That question is like a child asking
a parent if it is alright to go out and play. Consulting in a marriage is a
sign of sensitivity to our spouse. For example, the individual in question might
follow up their statement with, "Do we have any plans Friday night?" This would
not be a child's response but an act of consideration. If the spouse states
that they have plans, the individual could state something like, "well, that
is fine, I can play another night." The marriage contract is simply a statement
that each person wants to share their lives together in "certain" ways. It does
not say "all ways." In other words, in a mature marriage spouses value spending
time together. They enjoy going out to dinner, raising children, planning their
future, buying a new home, having sex, etc. Again in a truly great marriage,
couples have learned how to have a balance between the "I"ness and "We"ness.
Here too, marital counseling can often help couples reach this balance.
- Confusing "need" and "want" – An example
might be something like, "You need to stop swearing; I don't like it." In reality
this is not a need. We need air to breath, water, shelter, and clothing. Almost
everything in life are "wants." An adult in a marriage realizes that one does
not always get what one wants. In the above situation, instead of insisting
that your spouse not swear, you might choose to deal with the stress in another
way. You might decide that your choice of response to the stress is far more
important. Instead of getting upset, you might say to your spouse, "I don't
like it when you swear, but in the total scheme of things your swearing is not
'the end of the world.' I guess I have decided to accept that part of you."
There are many sources of confusion between "need" and "want." When spouses
have learned the difference, their marriage always reaches new levels of satisfaction.
These are just some of the characteristics of a good marriage. There are many
more.
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